Today is always difficult...
Today my husband and I went to visit our son's gravesite. I rarely talk about feelings or personal things, but I feel I need to talk about Nathaniel today, his tenth birthday.
The saying that unless you've walked in another person's shoes then you don't know how they feel is applicable in this instance. My youngest son was 5 when I became pregnant. I had had a misscarriage 2 years prior and I kind of thought I'd have another one as I had been on a blood thinner when I became pregnant. I stopped it at 4-5 weeks and we hoped it wouldn't cause damage as it had with my first miscarriage. I had such severe morning sickness that I wouldn't worry, but did some until I got through the first trimester. Then my husband and other 3 children were estatic! A new baby! We went to the ultrasound at 18 weeks and he was perfect. I'll be honest, I had kind of hoped for a girl so we would have 2 boys and 2 girls, but I knew before going in that this pregnancy was just like my first but with less junk food. With Bry I ate horribly. I was only 20 so I didn't really know that the Krispy Kreme and Pepsi for breakfast, Big Mac and fries for lunch, and Totino's pizza for supper wasn't exactly the best nourishment. It was what I wanted and being I was so sick I did it. With Nathaniel, I ate eggs and toast, salads, and just overall healthy foods the entire pregnancy. We were doing well until around 32 weeks when I noticed a decrease in activity. I was going for weekly ultrasounds and they would have me drink cold water to "wake him up". I kept telling the doctors that I wasn't feeling him. I was 34 weeks when they said that if he doesn't perk up then they will induce me at 36 weeks, which is when Bry was born as I had pre-eclampsia. I went back at 35 weeks and he had passed.
I was so angry, sad, and felt so much guilt. Why didn't I force the doctors to take him out? Why didn't I speak up for him more? The autopsy report showed a blood clot on his side of the placenta. The little guy had my blood clotting disorder. The high risk obstetrician should have known to give me baby asprin and my little baby boy would have lived. They also should have put me in the hospital for more monitoring. However, it's done. He's in heaven. God is playing with him and I'm so beyond grateful for knowing that someday I will see him.
Today, I don't blame myself too much anymore. I remember the days from the time I found out, the birth, and the funeral vividly as I assume I always will. I don't hurt as much anymore. Now, I just wonder...I wonder whom he would look like (He was my spitting image as an newborn), what kind of birthday cake he would want, why did God take him from us, and so much more. I'll find out some day.
I've lost a total of five babies, but as Nathan was with us longer than the others I am sadder over his loss. Every baby is special. If you've lost a child and would like to talk about it or pray, please leave a comment with an email and I will definitely email you back.